Archive for December, 2012

I am a columnist, a new rising columnist. From my education and what I do for my livelihood, I don’t qualify – really – to be a writer in the leading newspaper of Pakistan but yet again, I write. Basically I am a government officer and have a sense of security in my mind for my job, pension and other benefits for my family. My father was also a writer.

I didn’t really want to write columns ever but as the time passed, I developed this hobby. When I wrote for the first time I was a little bit scared if it ever shall get approved or published but I had full support of my father who also wrote in the same newspaper and had many contacts there. It was published. Now I use writing as a part time job.

My earlier writings comprise of short stories, some copied/pasted stuff and whatever I felt like writing. Meanwhile I got one of my books also published which comprise of my all the written columns. My father arranged a big party for this and invited the renowned journalist in order to give more publicity to my works.

At the moment I have become a reality. People know me by my name. Previously I used to get one column published in the daily per week but now I have increased the number and I post at least two columns a week. For public’s general knowledge (people say that I should tell my business secret to others but since I see it happening everywhere, I don’t see any harm in it), I herewith, mention some of the tips which would do the trick and their work shall also get sold and they would become popular overnight, provided their father is also a famous or notorious journalist.

1.       Writing against any popular leader:

This is very popular now days in Pakistan. If someone wants to become in lime light over night just start writing against any popular leader of your region. First of all the group of the people who are really against that person shall contact you and there is a high possibility that you can get a contract as well. Our people like to know more about anomalies about others. About others’ religious belief, their social circle and whereabouts. So when you start to write against him, just a little ‘Google’ on his life would do the job. If you are unable to find anything concrete you may just mention you own wish list as news from ‘reliable sources’ and that as per my knowledge the leader is losing popularity because that politician and (or) manager has left him etc. You will see and overnight increase in your readers list.

The famous leader shall not be able to do anything against you due to many factors, some which include; (a) he wants to keep himself clean as long as attacking his opponents is concerned, (b) the popular leader is for the right of the speech, (c) he is busy in other more important issues than to give importance to a columnist, (d) local laws, (e) you have  a famous father and anything against you can lead to a catastrophe for his career as far as media is concerned, etcetera.

Writing against any popular leader also involves, writing in favor of your favorite leader.

2.       Writing on social issues

Second most popular tip is to write on social issues like dowry, women rights, education, poverty, unemployment, society’s collective behaviour towards any issue etc. In your personal life you may be a gangster and in your own home you might be a dictator, but it would really work when you right against both. People would understand that you the only unbiased writer and NGOs shall sure contact you in person. This will also develop a sense your truthfulness in the readers mind and people shall follow you blindly to generate an opinion. While writing on such issues make sure condemn generic religious beliefs of public shall give more charm to this and it is quite possible that you might be nominated for some international award as well.

3.        Keep the readers guessing

When you feel short of ideas or issues then the most common idea is to write short stories in abstract way. For example you can mention a jungle where all the animals lives together under one king, lion. Then one fine morning another animal, say, a bear – announces that he wants to become king due to such and such reasons and have support of so many animals. Then mention some fight scenes in your story and at end indicate that, then there was a chaos. And let the people guess. Every reader shall guess the result on his own and consider you someone out of the world who has in very simple way conveyed his point of view. If you tilt the story in such a way, between the lines, that people consider hero of your story that person who you like the most would really work to turn the people’s thoughts towards toward your favourite celebrity, leader etcetera.


4.       Give statistics

You don’t need to be a mathematician, economist, engineer of defence graduate to opine on any of the special subjects. For example if you want to write on economy of Pakistan you can just mention the down trodden situation of some road hawker in your whole column and in last paragraph you may mention the copied stuff from some website of indicators and that’s it. People shall love it as they have instinct to know the stories of others, especially pitiful stories. Similarly, if you plan to write regarding new inventions, just watch discovery channel for couple of days, grab a little bit information and in your next column start with pointing out the poor scientific research in your country by giving Google or Wikipedia statistics of number of user of that particular gadget etc and at the end mention your own philosophical thoughts as if that invention could also be used to destroy humanity etc. A common man would really buy that stuff and quote you in his conversations. Readers must take impression that you regularly go through all the famous magazines viz., Time to The Economist and Readers Digest till National Geographic.

 5.       Often write on Current Affairs

If you just keep on writing regarding a political leader (see point 1 above) people would start speculating you as a ‘lifafa’ journalist. In this scenario make sure that you write on current affairs as well most often. Pakistan is a happening country. Everyday there is a new story about political turmoil, law and order situation, rape cases, missing persons and sometimes issue regarding politicians’ personal affairs. In you columns you have to make sure that readers take the impression that you watch news daily and read at least 5 newspapers. This is another thing if your home minister never lets you switch the channel from Hum TV.

6.       Elaborate yourself

Another trick to become famous, as a column writer in the Pakistan, is that you must elaborate yourself. Your childhood memories, your behaviour towards other (or which you think it should be but it is not is also acceptable), your family background or your habits should be put in such a way that common readers see you around yourself in their daily life.  For example if you have studied in Urdu medium, your columns must reflect this more often. Another example; if you think you worked so hard but didn’t achieve what should have; mention it clearly in almost every column about it, between the lines. Always justify your affiliations as rightful things.

7.       Always Respond

If you write something and someone responds to it in the contrary. Even if you think that other person is right then instead of accepting it as your mistake. Always respond in an aggressive manner. If you won’t respond people would think that you are not well informed and this can take your market down.

Disclaimer: The above show a generic behaviour of new writers as observed by me and is not specific to any person and (or) group. Any resemblance shall only be by chance.